On Strike: Comedy Series
by Jonesybites
Summary: Getting tired of the working conditions that plague's every Gear in MP, everyone's favorite  or not so favorite Gear goes on strike until some requests are met for the new GoW 3 format; all the while trying to get by in the real world.  Hilarity ensues!
1. ACT 1 We Quit

_Greetings and welcome to my next installment of cheesy, cheap laghs and overall silliness. I wrote this to get myself out of a nasty bout of writers block and this is what I have to show for it! Please note that this story is strictly for sh*ts and giggles, so if you do not want to see your favotrite character displayed in a silly manor, then do not read any further. __Otherwise, sit back and have some lolz._

_**Please Note:** There is some "minor" crossovers with other game "genres" but the events will revolve mostly around everyone's favorite goofy-ass COGS._

* * *

~ON STRIKE~

**ACT I: We Quit!**

_Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far, far, far, far...um...away..._

_...ya know, let me try this again...ok, in a massive fortress, where the gaming empire, better known as EPIC studios, resides Cliffy B (sorry, but I can't spell his name right), sitting in his office chair, playing video games at his desk._

_While playing his latest creation, GoW 3, still working out the bugs before it's release date, a sudden banging on his door, disturbs him from accomplishing the achievement he was working on all morning._

CLIFFY - _Agh,_ now what?

_As he puts the controller down, the door is suddenly swung open, to low and behold, a grumpy, Marcus Fenix walks in Cliffy's office, growling, with Cliffy's secretary coming from behind._

SECRETARY - Um...this...guy wants to see you_...(and quickly exits the office, closing the door behind her)_

MARCUS – Alright Cliffy, we need to talk...

CLIFFY – About what?

MARCUS - ...about our working conditions. I'm seriously considering a two-week break from MP...

CLIFFY – Why...I mean, what's so bad about your working conditions?

* * *

_Flashback: Out in the middle of the 30th Horde wave on the Security map, Marcus is shooting his Lancer behind a wall while Dom is slumped behind the sand bags, crying._

DOM – Marrriiiaaaa..._sob._

_Cole and Kim are running across the map, overran with wretches,_

COLE – GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF_...(and runs into a pole, and is knocked out cold)_

KIM – Hey, HEY...no sleeping on the job! _(and gets face-palmed by a nearby wall)_

_Baird is slumped and straddled behind the sand bags in the Security perimeter, randomly shooting his pistol in the air, singing..._

BAIRD - "Lucy in the sky with diamonds...

_(in the background)_ Security off line (BEEP...BEEP)..._Loitering Grinders behind the Security beams make their entrance..._

GRINDER – Haha...GRIND the little blonde man!

BAIRD – _Ahhhh..._f*ck it_...(and randomly shoots the newly spawned mortar over the vicinity)_

_Carmine B is whining on the other side of the map, waiting for the ammo box to respawn._

CARMINE – Ah, _c'mon_...hurry up and spawn...

BOOMER – BOOM!

CARMINE – Uh oh.

* * *

MARCUS – Look, Dom hasn't stopped crying since Hollow...Tai's had the runs for over a month now, we're getting tired of eating Kim's kimchi _(for those who don't know what that is, it's spicy Korean, pickled cabbage)_, Cole, Dizzy, and Carmine are doing nothing but pissing their name on the nearest wall,

_

* * *

__Flashback:_

DIZZY – Hehe...betcha ya can't do it in cursive...

COLE – Oh yea...I'll take that bet...

CARMINE – Me first!

_Back to the present._..

* * *

MARCUS - ...and don't even get me started with Baird...

CLIFFY – Ok, look...yea, I know y'all been working up quite a sweat since we tweaked the "online gaming" composition...

MARCUS - Tweaked? Is that what you people are calling it now? Do you have any idea what 's been going on behind the scenes, ever since you guys decided to _tweak it?_

_

* * *

__Flashback: All the gears are washing up in the communal showers, while Hoffman struts in with a towel around his waist._

HOFFMAN – Step aside son_...(shooing Carmine, Kim, and Dom away)_...gotta wash the goods while the water's still warm.

_Suddenly, Hoffman takes off his towel, while the others cringe in horror._

BAIRD – ARRRGH, MY EYES! Quick, somebody turn off the lights.

KIM – _Agh_...you need to cover that old beast...sir!

MARCUS – (mumbles) I second the notion.

HOFFMAN – Are you shittin me? Men, you are looking at, _the Legend,_ right here!

CARMINE - _Oh God_, the images in my head...they're...they're horrible! Make him stop...please.

MARCUS - More like a _has been_, sir.

HOFFMAN - Well your momma sure as hell wasn't complaining when we played _hide the rainbow roll_, while your daddy was too busy tinkering with that glowing mutagen stuff we had overstocked in the laboratory.

MARCUS – Say _WHAT?_

COLE – Ah,_ man_...I don't wanna hear this _(covers his ears and shudders)_

HOFFMAN - ...tell ya what, Thrashball boy, back in the day, your momma could pass a catch that would stiffen any beanpole...

DOM – Ok, I'm outta here _(grabs the nearest towel and runs out of the shower room)_

_

* * *

__Marcus lets out a full body shudder._

CLIFFY ...and besides, since we aired the teaser trailer, we've been getting all the hype...can't you feel it?

MARCUS - I've _BEEN_ feeling it, ever since you guys, just for laughs, gave the f***ing Sires pepper spray!

CLIFFY - Ah c'mon...you gotta admit, that was pretty funny...

_Before Cliff can finish, Cole, Baird, and Dom come busting through the door. After knocking over a lamp while a painting falls off the wall and crashes on the floor, Baird is the first to bluntly speak... _

BAIRD – The guys and I took a vote...and we've decided that we want a raise.

CLIFFY – For what?

BAIRD – Oh, well, gee...for getting our asses blown all to hell,

COLE – ...eating the same, pickled shit, for days, weeks..._ah, hell_, maybe months!

DOM - ...and getting the damn runs for weeks at a time...speaking of which, you promised us a clean toilet in every round!

MARCUS – Actually, there is...it's just that a _certain someone _beats the rest of us to it.

DOM – _Damnit!_ I swear, the next time we find a Walgreens, we're stocking up on minty-scented laxatives, man.

CLIFFY – Look, I'll run it with the board about maybe giving you guys some vacation time...but we're too close to the GoW 3 release date, guys, so I can't promise anything.

MARCUS – Yea, we got a bone to pick about that too.

CLIFFY – What could you possibly not like about the new additions?

MARCUS – Starting with that stupid scavenger hunt you put me through in the two, latter f***ing campaigns.

CLIFFY – Look, the whole "scavenger hunt" thing helps to broaden and add depth to the story...

DOM – Yea, why don't you give us something worthy of our time of day, while we're bending over behind some nasty toilet, picking up some dead dude's COG tags...or an old newspaper...

COLE – Kinda like what Mafia 2 did man...

CLIFFY - ...and what did Mafia 2 do?

BAIRD - _*cough, _titties _*cough_

MARCUS – The player actually gets achievements for picking up Playboy mags throughout the campaign...

COLE – It's a double win...we get da points while looking at some classy ass.

CLIFFY – So...you guys want to run around all over Sera, looking at, outdated, nudy mags...

MARCUS – ...it sure hell beats picking up a bunch of Baird's loose leaf, journal pages of the usual random crap, which I'm willing to bet he used most of that to wipe his ass.

BAIRD – _Oh, well_, I'm _sorry_, but SOMEBODY used up all the platoon _TP_...and I got tired of using the f***ing phone book!

DOM – I mean, c'mon Cliffy...you killed off a good portion of fertile women, including _my wife_...and all we have to entertain ourselves with is some smut paper back we found in a trashcan in some alley of what _used to be _Ilima...

BAIRD – Man, I'm willing to bet the guys from Bad Company get better shit than what we get!

CLIFFY – Relax guys, we got some female MP doing some of the campaigns...

COLE – Oh _sweet_...we get to gaze at some scenery...

MARCUS - ...and not have any time in the whole charade to play with it..._damnit B_, you're doing this on purpose just to piss me off!

CLIFFY – Sorry Marcus, but this is a gaming industry, not a _pron production _agency.

MARCUS – Is that so...well, in that case, I quit!

DOM – Me too, man.

COLE – Me three...

CLIFFY – Wait, you can't quit...you're on contract! Where the hell do you think you're going?

BAIRD – To a better place with an excess of toilet paper...

COLE - ...and some juicy pin ups...

DOM - ...and clean bathrooms as far as the eye can see!

COLE – Amen to that! _(clamps fists with Dom)_

CLIFFY – All this...over toiletries and Playboy magazines?

_Marcus takes Cliffy's cell-phone that was laying on the desk and starts to stomp out the door,_

MARCUS – Give me a ring when you have something more productive to do with our balls, other than just blowing them up all day.

_Slams the door on the way out, consequently, knocking another picture frame off the wall, and crashes on the floor._

_

* * *

_

Well, I hope y'all got some laughs. Depending on the response, I may progress this series even further.


	2. ACT 2 A Rhetorical Christmas

Merry Christmas and a happy holidays! Here's the next segment of my comedy series, just to brighten the holiday spirit with some cheap laughs!

_**

* * *

**_

**ACT II: ****A Rhetorical Christmas**

_Sitting in their rental home on Gamers Ave., for partially retired or in hiatus video game characters, the Gears gather in the living room, attempting to schedule the holiday entourage this holiday season, according to whatever funds they were able to scrimp while still out on strike with Epic Studios._

MARCUS – Ok, so how much money do we have left, before we even think of contemplating delving into any holiday cliché's…and that includes late night parties, Cole!

COLE – Aw c'mon Boss man…I stayed in budget.

MARCUS – I was referring to the cleanup shortly afterwards that took us three f***ing days…and the bill for that, alone was three hundred dollars!

COLE – Three hundred bucks?

KIM – We had to rent TWO carpet cleaners just to get all that _vaseline_ out of the carpet…

MARCUS - …and a hundred bucks at the hardware store, to patch up the holes in the sheetrock!

KIM - …and thanks to you and Baird, we're never going to get our deposit back!

BAIRD – Hey, we weren't the ones who was using the recliner as a _trebuchet…_

MARCUS – Shut up _Baird_…and before you even start giving me any lip, you need to get a job!

BAIRD – I have a job!

MARCUS – No, a job that includes a f***ing pay stub. With you just fixing all of our sh*t around here doesn't cut it.

COLE – Hey he had that one job at the airport…

MARCUS - …and he got fired the following week!

* * *

_Flashback: Standing at a security clearance, next to the body scanners, Baird gets into a tissy with an obese woman,_

WOMAN - …I'm appalled that I'm going get stripped searched. Do I look like a _terrorist_ to you?

BAIRD – Ma'am, it too pains me that the TSA security policy is going to_ require _me to strategically pat down your _fat ass_, meander through your stinky folds in search for anything that may be linked to TNT…which I'm willing to bet I'll just end up finding some cheetos, a TV remote control, and possibly a _bon bon._

* * *

BAIRD –_ Yea_…needless to say I didn't lose any sleep when they gave me the boot. Wait…I had a good job, but _somebody_ insisted we needed to go on strike for better working conditions!

MARCUS – Oh, _boohoo._

BAIRD – Damn right…_ (sulks)_ …I miss playing with explosives.

MARCUS – Look, we're a little tight for cash and everyone else seems to be holding a steady job _BUT_ you!

BAIRD – Yea, and I bet you're enjoying every minute of it, _aren't you _Marcus…

_

* * *

__Flashback: Sitting droopily in the smallest cubicle in the office, wearing a white shirt and tie, Marcus is leaning the side of his face on his hand, propped up by his forearm on the desk, speaking into the receiver of his headphones, talking to an old man on the other line,_

OLD MAN – Well _sonny_, for some crazy reason my toaster won't come on…

MARCUS – _(sighs)_ Sir, you need to plug the toaster into the outlet that is located on the wall above the counter.

OLD MAN – Oh…_land sakes_, they make these things so complicated.

_Marcus lets out a groan._

* * *

B. CARMINE – _(sulking)_ Man, I want Cole's job…

KIM – _(seconds the notion while slumped sappily on the couch)_ No kidding…wait, where _do_ you work Cole?

COLE – At Victoria's Secret, baby!

_

* * *

__Flashback: Dressed in black slacks, a rolled up dress shirt and tie, Cole is standing next to a dressing room door as a client opens her door, wearing nothing but a lacy bra and matching panties, asking for his opinion,_

CLIENT – _Oh_ I can't decide…do I look sexier in the _black_, or the _red?_

_Cole gets giddy_,

COLE – Definitely the red _baby_…it just _so_ brings out the color in your hair.

* * *

COLE – WHOO…that was an awesome day! Ah_ hell_, everyday is awesome at _my_ workplace.

_Everyone else in the room groans…_

DOM – So I'm gonna take a wild guess…were short for the rent this month, right?

_Marcus and Kim drearily say in unison _– Yes.

TAI – _(sitting on the couch, eating out of a bag of Dorrito's)_ Maybe we can do something that doesn't involve spending money…

BAIRD – _(sarcastically)_ _Really_…you think?

_Marcus slaps him upside the head._

DIZZY – Hey, why don't we do a little caroling around da neighborhood?

MARCUS – No, no… _(the others give him a bemused look)_ …and in case you didn't hear me the first time, the answer is _no._

DOM – Ok, please tell me why is that such a bad idea?

_

* * *

__Flashback from last year's Christmas, on the downtown street corner: Ben Carmine and Kim were shivering vigorously in their coats and beanies, singing out of tune; Dom is crying instead of singing,_

DOM – Boohoo…Marieaaa_…(sob)_

_Dizzy starts to slur every other verse, occasionally sipping out of his canteen as he leans to one side,_

DIZZY – Ya bettersss watchssssout…ya bettersss not cryssss…

_A little kid in a crowd stands in awe, watching a grouchy Marcus attempting to sing, despite sounding like a cinder block being dragged on concrete…_

MARCUS – _(in his grinding voice)_ Ya better not pout I'm telling you why…

_A bundled Tai is staring blankly at the hymnal, mispronouncing the lyrics between shivers while Baird, wearing a long stocking cap and his pink scarf, is the only one in the group that is actually singing in tune,_

BAIRD - …Santa Claus is coming, to _fu**…_

MARCUS - *Goddammit Baird… _(abruptly interrupts Baird before finishing the verse and smacks him up side the head)_

* * *

KIM – …I agree. Bad idea.

DOM – Ok, what about putting up Christmas lights on the house?

BAIRD – Oh f*** that! I'm not doing that again!

DOM – Oh c'mon Baird, it was a lot of fun last year…

BAIRD – _Pfft_, for you it was!

* * *

_Flashback: Standing on the top of an extension ladder, Baird is cussing and rambling while trying to find the broken bulb out of one thousand, seven hundred and forty bulbs. Listening to Marcus from below, Baird groans,_

MARCUS – Have you found it yet?

BAIRD – NO! _(he yells out and then rambles quietly to himself) _…asshole…why don't you drag your sappy, fat ass up here and start looking through every single f***ing bulb, _(and b*tch, b*tch, b*tch…)_

_Suddenly Baird spots the busted bulb_,

BAIRD – _Aha!…_so there you are, you little bastard! _(and reaches over to grab it)_

_Not realizing that the guys forgot to turn off the circuit breaker to the lights, the moment Baird grabbed it, a sudden shock of several bolts singe his hand and lights him up,_

BAIRD – F***! _(followed by a list of other expletives as he falls off the ladder and comes crashing down on every snow covered limb of vegetation that ran along the house)_ …OW, f***, damn,…_oomf_, SH*T_…(and then finally lands on the nativity scene below, lying sappily in the manger on top of the plastic baby, twitching every other few seconds)_

_Nearby, Marcus is laughing so hard, he nearly pisses himself and falls over while the others are rolling in the snow, spilling in laughter._

_Even their neighbors from the "Red" house (from Rooster's Teeth, Red vs Blue) across the street marvel at the incident..._

GRIF - Holy crap! That blonde dude in the pink sweater just got f***ed up!

SIMMONS - That's the third time he got electrocuted trying to put those up...glad we managed to convince Donut into putting them up on our house this year.

_...in the meantime, poor Donut is hanging from the tree after accidentally leaning off the extension ladder..._

DONUT - Guys? Hey guys...need help here!

* * *

BAIRD – If you guys want it so much then you do it! I'm tired of getting electrocuted because _somebody_ keeps forgetting to turn off the damn breaker!

COLE – Well I guess we can scratch that idea.

B. CARMINE – What about putting up a Christmas tree?

KIM – We don't have the funds to buy one…not even a fake one!

DIZZY – Who said we had to buy it? There's plenty of ferns around dis neighborhood that we can just take a Lancer to…

KIM – Ok, we're not going to go out and buzz down somebody's conifer from their back yard…

MARCUS – Hey, I actually like that idea…

KIM – Wait, what? You gotta be kidding me!

BAIRD – Hey yea, I'll do it!

DOM – Whoa _wait_, which neighbor?

MARCUS – How bout those _douchebags_ that share that residence at 506…they got some nice ferns.

DOM – Wait, you mean the place where that one dude waters his lawn in his underwear?

_

* * *

__Flashback: Dom steps out of the house for a morning jog, passing by a house, only to find Kratos (God if War) standing out in the middle of a manicured lawn, topless while wearing a subligaculum, watering his flower garden with a lit up cigarette hanging from his mouth._

_A little ways on the other side of the house entrance, a massive black steed with a fiery mane and tail, and goes by the name of Ruin, starts to graze on the flowers. Kratos gets pissed and yells out towards the house,_

KRATOS – Hey….War! Come get your stupid horse…he's eating my petunia's again!

_Just then, The Prince of Persia steps out onto the driveway, only to step in a big pile of horsesh*t,_

PRINCE – Gyaaa_…(trying to scrape it off on the grass)_ …son of a …

KRATOS – Hey _hey_…don't you be scraping that sh*t on the lawn!

PRINCE – WAR... _(yells towards the house)…_your horse sh*t in the driveway again!

_All the while, the horseman War (from Darksiders) is wearing sweat pants and a wife beater shirt with a beer in hand, snoring loudly on the couch._

* * *

BAIRD – _Shea_, they also got a horse with a _flaming anus _that guards their back yard. I can see this little venture lasting no longer than ten minutes!

MARCUS – Well don't we have some leftover chloroform?

KIM – Wait…leftover _chloroform?_ When and _how_ did we get chloroform?

MARCUS – We used it for Caboose during the block party last Summer.

_

* * *

__Flashback: Everyone on the block is drinking and carrying on, while Caboose from the "Blue" house is lying comatose on the lawn, and Ruin is licking the glass shield on his helmet._

TUCKER – _Dude_…what's with Caboose _man?_ He hasn't moved from that spot in over an hour.

CHURCH – _Pfft_, who cares…as long as he's not bugging everybody with sh*t we could care less to talk about, it's all good.

* * *

DOM – Ohhhhh…_damn_. That explains why he didn't wake up for three days. _Sh*t_…how much did y'all give him?

BAIRD – _Pfft_, apparently not enough.

_Marcus slaps him in the back of the head…again._

COLE – Well sh*t. It's almost dark. I say we wait until late tonight to go out in get it.

KIM - …but that Lancer is going to wake up everybody in the neighborhood, the moment we rev it up!

MARCUS – Well I guess we're just going to have to pull a _George Washington…_

DOM – Wait.._what?_ A George_…(and then pauses for a moment)_ …oh…_oh_ you've got to be kidding me!

_The others turn to look at Baird._

BAIRD – _Sigh…(and gets up to go over to the garage)_ I'll go get the ax and the left-over chloroform…but I want a beer after all of this!

MARCUS – Damon, you manage to chop that pine tree and get it into our house before midnight, I'll get you a keg.

_To be continued_...

* * *

_The events to follow are going to get interesting as they attempt to steal somebody's evergreen bush/tree. Anyhoot, hope you got some laughs and have a Merry Christmas!_


End file.
